Jun 26 2009

For how many?

Hey Kids.

Whats up with take out giving you two sets of utensils for one meal?  Nothing makes me feel like more of a heffer.


Jun 10 2009

Kindergarten Cop-ulation

Hey Kids!

So, super embarrassing moment:

Staying at my parents house this past weekend I fell asleep watching Kindergarten Cop and woke up to Soft Core Porn.  The fact that I was intentionally watching Kindergarten Cop is embarrassing enough, I know.  But that’s not the worst of it.   Just as my eyes fluttered open and my brain computed  the two voluptuous women scissoring on the tiny bedside tube…my MOTHER tip toes into the room to tuck me in.  I couldn’t fumble for the remote fast enough.   WHICH MADE IT WORSE!  Cause now I look like I’m guilty of deliberately watching bi-sexual Cinemax.  And then I seal the deal by squealing that all time favorite ”Don’t you knock?!” and huffing like a masturbating 12 year old.  I finally get hold of the remote and flip channels. 

“I did.  Several times.  Wanted to make sure you were okay.”  She scuttles up to the side of the bed.  ”I brought you some cold water.”  She places it on the nightstand, kisses my forehead, and tucks me in.

“I’m fine, just fine.”  I eek. 

“I’m sure you are.”  She said it so discreetly that I couldn’t tell if she was tongue and cheek-ly referring to the girl porn or not.  She wished me good night and shuffled away.  

Why didn’t I just say something funny and laugh it off!  I was mortified.  I rarely get mortified in front of family.  Kindergarten Cop is officially on my list of hometown contraband…. And I’m pretty sure my mother now thinks I’m bi-curious.  Why is the universe trying to convince everyone that I’m gay?!!!!!!!!!!!!!


Jun 6 2009

If you can’t work out….

Hey Kids.  

Been swamped lately and have had no time to properly prepare for a formal wedding I’m going to at home.  By prepare I mean the usual wax, buff, polish, sweat, shop, and style.  Home events are always important to look super good at.  Almost as important as red carpet events (haven’t been invited to a red carpet event yet, but I’m sure the prep will be high  priority when the time comes).  

This is because my foray to the mysterious and glamours Hollywoodland to pursue “acting” can only be quantified to these people with two things: 1. regular appearances on one-hour cop dramas or 2. by looking like a movie star.  Since I only see most of the home town peeps about once a year, I’ve gotta look that much more mind blowingly fabulous.  If I don’t, then there is a possibility they may begin to suspect my career isn’t going well and that I’m just living off my parents…which is only half way true.  I know I shouldn’t care what other people think, but I’m an actress living in LA….  It’s not like I can just turn it off.  

I’ve always had a strong back up policy for last minute slim downs: anorexia and tanning.  If you can’t shed your belly fat, then at the least empty your belly.  If you can’t work out, lay out.   Honestly it sounds terribly sad and unhealthy, but believe me…in a pinch….works everytime.

So I wake up this morning and have a tall glass of water for breakfast.  Then I get my nails done and head to the tanning salon.  Too late for a spray tan (the smell needs 24 hours to mellow or else you reek like day old mexican leftovers baking in a cabriolet), so I opt for a quick 5 minutes in a low pressure bed. (to be followed up with a healthy slather of Jergins when I got out of the shower for that “spent the day in the sun” glow).  

I go up to the counter and the girl working the register is a typical over fried bimbo inbetween classes at community college.  

“Hi, Burrito.  I’m from out of town.  Just wanna get one session in a bed please.”

“Burrito with a ‘B?’” She starts cruising the computer.


“Hmmmmm.  You in our system?”

“Yup. B-U-R-R-I-T—”

“Ah ha…hehe….OMG I was spelling it so wrong… There you are…you know you haven’t been in since like, Novmeber?”

“Right, Thanksgiving” (can’t work out, lay out remember?)

“So for just $150 more you can get an unlimited monthly package.”

“yeah, I don’t live here so that wouldn’t make since.  Plus I tan maybe 5 times a year.  Hence the November issue…so”

“But you’re paying $11 for one session and this way even if you came in like every day it would still just be $150″

“That’s possibly the worse pitch I’ve ever heard, even still.  No thank you.  OH and can I get some eye protection glasses things”

“yeah and do you wanna buy a sample lotion or a whole bottle?”

“Um, no lotion just the glasses and the ONE session.  I’m kinda in a hurry so if you could–”

“NO LOTION!” She started hyperventalating and I’m not making this up.  “What, you don’t use lotion?! Cause you should use lotion.”

“Well I don’t really see the point I’m just going in for 5 minutes”

“If you don’t use lotion you can get sun damage cause it, like absorbs the sun and distributes it into your body evenly so you don’t get sun damage.”

Okay, maybe I was generous when I assumed she went to community college.

“Well, I’m pretty sure that makes no sense and even if it did.  Tanning itself is pretty much causing sun damage already.  I mean that’s what getting a tan is.  You’re damaging skin cells.  Cooking them actually.  Thats why you look so toasty.  You’re cooking your skin to a toasty golden brown.”

“But the lotion keeps you from getting sun damage.”

I couldn’t believe it.  This girl was talking melanoma and she was giving me a lecture on sun damage?  Did she honestly believe that using tan enhancing lotion…thats right, not sun block TAN ENHANCING LOTION…. was going to save anyone from the effects of sun damage?  That’s like eating a multi vitamin with a bucket of ice cream and thinking all the calories have been taken out.  or rather “absorbed it into your body and distributed evenly so you don’t get fat”  

It was a lost cause with this one and I could see that. So I took a deep breath, made severe eye contact, and said…

“Is it required by law to SELL me lotion in order to tan?  Does your store policy dictate that you may refuse me service if I don’t?”

“Well, no.  I’m just trying to be a good friend.”

“Thanks, friend (seriously…we’re friends now).  I’m good with the goggles.  No lotion.  How much total?”


I gave her $15 and told her to keep the change.  Maybe put it towards achieving her GED, or better yet Chemo.  Hey, I was just trying to be a good friend.


Jun 5 2009

Current Beef: Fake Pockets

Hey Kids.

Current Beef: Fake Pockets

What’s up with that?  I own a pair of jeans with fake front pockets and it drives me insane!!!!  They look great on my bum so I keep ‘em around, but inevitably everytime I wear them I try to either A) put something in them and feel like an ASS for 15-30 seconds while I struggle to pry open sewed down slit or B) attempt to diffuse an awkward moment by hiding my “Ricky Bobby” hands somewhere secure… like my pants…and instead am demoted to fiddling with my handbag, or WORSE looping my thumb through a belt loop.  Nobody ever falls for that look, btw.  

Back pockets, while far less abrasive, can be just as bad.  Especially for guys who actually utilize the back pocket regularly for wallet storage.  That’s actually what pisses me off about it!  Sexist jeans makers.  What?  They think that just cause we’re chicks we won’t notice they stiffed us on the back pockets?  Okay maybe we wont, at least not right away. BUT when we do.  It’s usually at the MOST in oppurtune time.  Like when a hottie decides to discreetly slip his number to you while copping a feel at the same time.  No pocket, no number…or sexual harrasment.   

Man up fake pocket people.  Just admit that you don’t have the money or talent to construct pants with proper holes.  We can take it!  I don’t mind pants sans pockets.  I just don’t like being lied to.  It’s disrespectful.  And makes me sad.