Jul 25 2009

84 Wedding Bells

Hey Kids!

So!  Guess where I just came from?  Chile Relleno’s wedding.  That’s right.  My 84 year old grandmother finally tied the knot…for the fourth time.  God bless her.  Total party.   I just hope I inherited some of her mojo.  Not only has she landed a hot young stallion (he’s 79), but she strutted down the isle like a giddy 20 something.  Everything was kept in perspective though, when the priest mentioned pro-creation in his wedding diatribe.  The entire church (which was packed by the way) broke into hysterics. “The Bible is full of miracles”  he said, quickly covering.  The laughter swelled once more.  Dad later asked if he could expect a little brother or sister in the near future.  Shoot, in this day and age you never know.  eeew.

So, I made a few realizations this weekend, but one of the bigger ones involved getting a full grasp on the Southern Country Club scene Chile Relleno and her new hubby frequent.  It’s long been a little known fact that Country Club folk (especially of the Southern variety) love to nick name each other.  And this particular encounter personified that stereotype to a “T.”

I was politely introducing myself to a table full of unknowns at the rehearsal dinner .  Seated from left to right were Gitty, Bo, Muff, Deck, and Annie.  (Now Annie wouldn’t seem odd, but her real name –I came to discover later– is Lucinda.)  I think they have these cheeky nick names because everyone has the same birth names.   Boys are named after their fathers (resulting in a slue of Jr, III, IV, etc), and girls after their grandmothers (in this case resulting in a slue of Margarets and Marys).   I couldn’t remember them all regardless, so eventually I just gave up and started calling everyone Mam or  Sir.  Even the children.  Except for Muff of course.  How can you forget that one?

So, I officially have a new step-grandfather, step-cousins, and step-uncles/aunts…yet I officially know none of their names.  Lets hope miss 84 stays blissfully married long enough for me to learn them all… Until then you may call me “Toto.”


Jul 24 2009

Current Beef: Soap Boxes

Hey Kids.

Okay, I know what you’re thinking. I have beef with someone ranting and raving and speaking their mind a la the old “soapbox saying” that congers images of union workers standing on a crate of sorts and demanding a 2 1/2 cent raise…or Harvey Milk. Either that, or kids making shotty racecars in what is commonly called a “derby”—False! I’m talking about actual soap boxes. Two words. The kind you buy in 2, 4, 6, or 12 bulk packs. Dove, Caress, Safeguard, etc. Scented, Shea Butter, Sensitive, etc. Got it? Here’s why….

Each bar is individually wrapped (nice touch but unnecessary) and has a resealable tab. A TAB! Like its cereal or something you have to keep fresh. Are you going to open this flimsy cardboard box, remove your bar of soap, scrub a dub dub away, and then think, “Ahhh, I love Irish Spring. Better tuck it back into it’s box if I wanna preserve that fresh lather of ye ‘ol country.” Seriously? Even if you did use the box after using the soap– it’s cardboard. The slimy wet soap would tear a hole in that thing. So, lets say you let the soap dry out first, then put it in the box. Well what’s the flippin’ point in that? It’s already been laying out for hours being an eye sore.

I mean MAYBE if you travel with it, but drug stores specifically make and sell plastic soap travel boxes for this exact reason. If they really expected you to use the cardboard one, they’d be out of business now wouldn’t they? Plus, I never travel with bar soap…. only body wash. Any one who does is seriously trying to make their life harder. Just my opinion.

So my big question is this, or these rather: Why ARE there resealable tabs on soap boxes and how much money could the soap industry save by getting rid of them? I’m just saying. In these tough economic times, sometimes you gotta forfeit some luxuries, and I think axing soap box tabs is much more practical than terminating public summer school.


Jul 16 2009

Something to Smile About

Hey Kids!

I was on the precipice of tears (just got some bad news) so I decided to pop ’round the corner and get a soda (real soda calms me when I’m severly shaken).  So I’m paying for my Pepsi, when a local bum gets in line behind me and slams a 24 oz of Old English down on the counter.  Then he glanced at me, took a quick breath, and said loud enough for the whole liquor store to hear…

“I like that dress. You look pretty.”

But, not in that skeezy bum way or that crazy bum way (believe me I know the difference, I’m well versed in vagrant cat calling), in that I’m getting my booze on and am excited about it and don’t you look lovely candid way that just exuded happiness. I started laughing uncontrollably.  Sometimes I do that.  Then he twisted his mouth into this huge toothy grin (minus some teeth) and said…

“I got you to cheer up a little.  That makes my day.”

If a homeless man can find that much joy in a malt beverage and my blue dress, certainly I could find something to smile about too.


Jul 11 2009

Current Beef: Formal Chip Clips

Hey Kids!

What’s up with formal chip clips? Banana clips, whatever! All these rhinestone studded satin ribbon wrapped hair clips with springs. The concept is to make something like a special occasion seem easy. What? You’re meandering down the isle and you see a beautiful chip clip and think: Oi! This is perfect for those special occasions when I have to do my hair! But, I mean, isn’t the idea of a special occasion that it’s SPECIAL. I mean… who goes to THAT many formal events? I think I go to more formal events than the average person and even I want to take the extra time to do my hair up right. I’m like “dang! This is special. I’m gonna get my hair done!?” Not, “Oh man. I have to go to one of these things again! Twice in one year is too much work. If only I had something to make it easier…like a chip clip, but with a dressy twist.”

By the way, any respectable formal event would scoff at the trailer trash-ness of wearing a chip clip. I’m not being judgy, I’m just saying. I can only see it working on a girl who goes to like 10 public high school proms a year. And sure, these nuggets would seem comfortable at a shelf at Wal-Mart, but they sell them at the accessories department in Bendels and Neimans. Believe me, I would know.

I dunno.. Look, I don’t even wear a chip clip on a CASUAL daily basis. I honestly don’t think anyone has since the 90s, come to think of it. The only time I even pick one up is when I’m sectioning my hair for a good blow dry. And I’m usually naked with pimple cream and teeth whitening trays on when that’s happening.

The only person who I’ve seen effectively pulling this look off is Paris Hilton. ‘Nough said right?

Oh and P.S. I own one.


Jul 2 2009

Oh – J

Hey Kids.

I woke up at the butt crack of dawn today to be molested with 5 different emails demanding my three favorite things: time, money, and labour.   I nearly had a breakdown before 8am.  After getting some aggression out by punching a pillow, my mother (who flew in to help me close on my condo) looks at me like a scared puppy and suggests…

“You should go for a run.”

“I can’t run! I’M HUNGRY!!!!”

We burritos tend to stress eat.  While I take care of some business and try not to punch anything else my mother starts cooking (God bless her).  She peeks in the office 30 minutes later as I frantically type.

“I made some breakfast.”

Thats more like it.  I shlep into the kitchen.  A beautiful healthy spread: eggs, fruit, grilled ham…and wine glasses.  Indicating the glasses I chime in…

“Ceviche, I appreciate the gesture.   But even for us, 7 am is a little extreme.”

“No, silly.  The glasses are for orange juice.”

“Oh”   Ceviche takes in my semi-relieved response and I can see her brain working overtime….

“Do you want some champagne with your oj?”

I love her.


Jul 2 2009

Obese Vegetarians

Hey Kids!

Soooooo Obsese Vegitarians?

They confuse the shit out of me! I was once lectured by a vegetarian, whose corpulent disposition could have easily qualified him for the biggest loser, on how almonds (which I was consuming fervently at the time) only had nutritional value when eaten 12 at a time. It was a pretty deliberate wag of the finger. All I could think was WTF? I just saw you down a bag of funions with the swift ferocity of a French bulldog. You’re gonna judge me for eating a few extra almonds? Later that evening, as I tucked into a grilled chicken breast for dinner, he lectured me on the foes of animal fats. This would have been fascinatingly informative had I been able to hear him past the plate of blue cheese french fries posing as his entrée. Why are you a vegetarian again? Nutritional value? Your non-meat eating habits gave you diabetes! Animal cruelty reasoning. HA! Slaughterhouses are cruel? Let me see… in a slaughterhouse animals are confined to spaces where they a) get no exercise, b) are force fed, and c) electrocuted before slaughter…. inevitably dying of a heart attack You…on the other hand are a) getting no exercise, b) force feeding yourself c) putting such strain on your cardiovascular system that you will probably die of a heart attack. Why do you care about us doing this to cows if you do it willingly to yourself? A bit hypocritical…

Even with all the hypocrisy I can see how someone who doesn’t eat meat gets fat. Twinkies are vegetarian…’nough said. But the bender for me is the vegan. An obese vegan! Blow my mind. It’s like your average obese person got board and wanted a challenge. Most vegans I know are super skinny primarily because they can’t find anything to freakin eat! Everything has an animal product of some kind in it! You have to work twice as hard in an average social situation just to break even. Unless you stayed home all day eating tempeh and carob…its damn near impossible to be in the plus zone.

I was at a vegan restaurant today (cause even a Texas girl gets a tofu craving every now and then…. okay maybe I’ve been living in LA too long), and this lady behind me was an easy two buck fitty at 5’3.  No joke. She ordered “two servings of the kale salad and a side of gazpacho” WHO ARE YOU KIDDING? Is gazpacho code for king size snow caps? ‘Cause I’m confused. One of my best friends is a vegan. And, as a self proclaimed human garbage disposal*, I have felt a personal obligation to try and pig out at everyone of the fabulous parties she throws (which are always complete with a homemade vegan spread). Never even gotten close to full, let alone calorically overdrawn to the point of weight gain. How the frack to fat people maintain with dietary retrictions more limiting than Atkins?   The answer came to me shockingly, but logically.

About 30 minutes later Sally “kale and gazpacho” sitting next to me ordered a soy creme pie.  One for here and one to-go “for a friend.”  Wow.  Those things run twice the price of your average pie.   Again, I would know.  Then it hit me like a ton of shit bricks.  Fat vegans are LOADED.  That explains it!  If you’re loaded and still eating Big Macs how are you suppose to explain away your problem to the financial underpinnings of capitolism which makes it more cost-effective and convenient to eat poorly?  (an excuse pioneered by lower class lard asses) When you’re rolling in it, stocking up on nuggests and frostees seems banal.   Any upper class citizen needs a social challenge.  Embezlement, Sex Rings, Vegan Obesity.

I tell you its true.   Sally was sporting a Chanel Maxi Flap bag….in Blue.  You don’t veer from black and white on the designer bag scale if it’s a once in a lifetime purchase.  She had money to burn.  And aparently burning money was her alternative to burning calories.  Brilliant.


*My nickname is burrito people. One day I’ll get drunk and tell you how I got it. Then you’ll take my words on overeating as gossiple.