Sep 21 2009

Universal Truth

Hey Kids.

Driving back from Pork Sausage’s boyfriend’s birthday in Malibu.  PS, her boyfriend (whom I shall call…Rice-a-Roni…because he’s a San Francisco treat), myself, and my latest boy joy Spam (explanation for name later) found ourselves in a conversation about men and women.  PS very clearly stated something that I have come to regard as a universal truth: All women are crazy, some just hide it better than others.  To that I add (with seemingly mutual agreement): All men are assholes, some just hide it better than others.

So there you have it.  All women are crazy and all men are assholes.  With that in mind I implore you…

Men – Why do men insist on calling us crazy like its some developmental insult?  That’s like waking up next to a zebra one morning and blameing the poor zebra for having stripes.  Look I know the zebra may have been wearing a hot pleather jump suit last night, but come on!  It’s a zebra.  This ones on you.

And I tell you what, even though we (I inclusive since I was a girl last time I checked) are all technically crazy.  Guys WAY over use that word. “Crazy” in guy verbiage is a euphemism for any issue they’re having with us at the moment…a catch all, if you will, for things they don’t want to deal with.  You hate their mother: Crazy.  You are running 10 minutes late because your outfit isn’t working: Crazy.  You tell them they aren’t, in fact, as much of a sexual dynamo in bed as they think they are: Crazy Bitch.

Okay.  But you knew that didn’t you.  If you really have an issue with us that you hope to resolve, try addressing the issue from a place of thoughtfulness.  IE  Mother Hater: Your mother CAN be difficult and judgemental from time to time, perhaps its getting to her.   Running 10 mins late: obviously the right outfit is extremely elusive at the moment and she’s totally sober. Sexual criticism: She’s probably just cranky because she hasn’t had an orgasm lately.  See, substitute the word crazy with a thoughtful explanation and things start to make sense!

My favorite guy reasoning is the “crazy” reversal.  Which is when the girl is the crazy one, even when the situation is reveresed.

Guy comes home grungy and drunk from watching the game with the boys.  He grabs a beer from the fridge before stumbling upstairs to shower for the cocktail party you’re already 15 minutes late to.  So, you give him a little piece of your mind…and YOU’RE crazy.

Now flip that.

Girl comes home late from post pilates gossip session, grabs a cup of joe, and pops in the shower.  You have to leave for a Montly Cru concert in 5 minutes if you hope to make the opening act.  She tells you to calm down… and SHE’S crazy.

When a guy calls me crazy, I just shut down.  Its like a red flag that says: “I’m too lazy to address whatever this issue is in a thoughtful and mature manner.”  Because the truth is…all women are crazy. So, if you call us crazy we’re just assuming you’re reminding us we have a vagina…which is condescending.

Unless your lady tries to cut your hand off, boil it, and serve it to you for dinner.  She’s no new brand of crazy than she was the day she was conceived.

And now onto the men!

Ladies- All men are assholes, even the gay ones…especially the gay ones actually.

They just are. If they are sweet, giving, thoughtful and selfless in bed at first bliss, they’re just hiding it well and will eventually do something that brings out there inner asshole….like call you crazy.

If you spend all day waxing, manicuring, cardio-ing, slipping into that perfect little number for your date he said he’d take you on-ing, and he walks through the door announceing exhaustion while pleading for take out and the remote …that’s just his inner asshole.  You can’t blame him for it, you can only be prepared (I suggest wearing matching lingerie and flash it with a “no dinner no dessert” threat…this almost always works*).

If he says hes a butt guy, its because YOU have a nice butt.  When he oogles your best friends ta tas to your “I thought you were a butt guy!” shock.  He’s just an asshole.

If he gets drunk at the surprise party you throw for him and puts his face in the  homemade cake you spent hours making from scratch…hes just an asshole.

I could go on, but I won’t.

If we all just accepted these universal truths more, I think we’d all get along better.

BURRITO

*Note, he will try to have dessert immediately in hopes of eschewing dinner altogether.  Do NOT let this happen.  You may think you have won, but you have not…and will be even more pissed at his inner asshole come post coital spoon…if you even get that!


Sep 13 2009

Six Rules for Flying Solo

Hey Kids-

So I was just in Scotland checking out the Edinburgh Festival. The burrito is pretty good at traveling alone. Actually, I prefer it. You always meet interesting new people and have interesting new experiences (basically because your alternative is to be bored out of your mind and alone). So, there you go. It’s like quitting a job so you’re forced to find a new one. If you want a guaranteed adventure, go it alone.

Now, I’ve been everywhere from Austria to England to Italy to good old NYC all by my lonesome. And I’ve realized that there are guidelines to being safe that still allowing you the freedom of possibility. I’ve compiled a list of rules here for your perusal and examples to how these rules came about.

Rule #1: Cash

You can get out of or into any situation you like with cash. So have a lot of it on your person at all times.

*I once got lost jogging in Milan, ended up in a bad part of town, and couldn’t find a cab to save my life. When I finally did, he was off duty. Cash Euros upfront: the cab was back in business and I was back at my hotel. On the flip side…THE hot play was sold out in Edinburgh for the ENTIRE run. Two tickets got turned in at the box office when I happened to be in line for another show. They said first come, cash only. The two suckers in front of me only had credit. I got in and had a “hard to say no to invite” for any potential new friend.

Rule #2: Reputable Hotel Accommodations

The big key to all of this, especially if you’re a single woman, is to stay in a reputable hotel. It’s imperative to have a home base. Preferably a home base with an attentive staff so that they can keep silent tabs on you: i.e. service your room, play gatekeeper, etc. It’s like having a little secret service …except much more engaging. This way you appear to be un-hinged but in fact have a whole family waiting up for you. No hostels, no crashing with a friend or friend of a friend, no motels. I trust you’ve seen enough 5 o’clock news and torture porn to understand why. Only white color criminals and public figureheads get murdered in a nice hotel. So unless you’ve got ties with the KGB you should be just fine. AND since you’re staying in this fabulous hotel… NEVER shack up with strangers. Drink with them, smoke with them, let them buy you dinner, end of the night say you’re staying close by and jump in a cab. You come across mysterious and accounted for: man whores and rapist beware!

*I once made the catastrophic mistake of letting a guy I’d just met walk me back to my hotel. He tried to follow me up to my room, but I alerted the front desk to keep an eye on him. They said he came by three more times over the next few nights asking about me and got rid of him finally by saying I’d checked out. This incident could have been problematic, instead it was just annoying.

Rule #3: Appear Single At All Times

If I have to explain this, I’m ashamed that you’re reading my blog. But, for posterity sake, I’ll indulge. Your best shot at getting the local treatment is to be some guy’s arm candy for a day or two. He introduces you to his friends and all the sudden you’ve got a new gang. Always walk the line of flirtation and play coy. (I like to act like that cock tease friend we all have who hogs the hot males on girl’s night out, even though she totally has a boyfriend and would never cheat.) The second he suspects you’re NOT a free agent. The hospitality will cease. Believe me. And don’t think his best girlfriend who gives you the old “you can trust me” in the bathroom is gonna keep your secret. Appearing single at all times means even when you think you’re off the clock. And dear GOD remember: he’s a kind local, not your John. NEVER get physical with your new host…at least not until right before you leave.

*The owner of my hotel in Venice sent over a complimentary appetizer when he thought I was a lonesome beauty, after asking me “where your boyfriend iz?” and getting a churlish response I had a three-course meal, a bottle of reserve prosecco and his burly company at a premium canal-facing table.

Rule #4: Play Like a Tourist, Look Like a Local

Fanny packs, oversized cameras, maps, etc should be BURNED. Instead, carry a large fashionable bag big enough to hold all your daily accoutrement and a sensible camera (which you will whip out swiftly and tactfully when the moment presents itself). Download a map on your phone (it’s the digital age people…. get with it). ALWAYS look like you know where you’re even if you’re just aimlessly walking the streets. This sounds like work, but it’s worth it. Cause when I say play like a tourist, I mean just that. Wander the city, hang in famous bars, see the sights, frolic with abandon. It’s super fun, whimsical, and since you look like a local you almost always get special treatment.

NOTE: There are exceptions to this rule. But they involve an alternative tactic that I call the “saccharine visitor.” This involves creating a personal back-story that puts you in that particular city for work or study. You’re not a tourist, you’re a temporary local and therefore in a different league. People will take you more seriously. I know, but it works. Deploy this alternative when you have an immediate end goal like time sensitive reservations, bathroom emergencies, etc.

Rule #5: Dress Like A Movie Star

I met Elton John in Venice and was on the local news because I looked like I just stepped out of a Fellini movie. True story. You wanna be treated like a movie star? Don’t shy away from looking like a million bucks.

Rule #6: Document

Keep a journal. The main reason we travel in packs is to have someone to share our good times with. If you write everything down you can always relive it. I was just moving and found my old journals from a trip I took years ago. Reading one existential entry got me feeling like I was back in Amsterdam being lectured on hash by a local coffeeshop owner all over again. A goofy guy I couldn’t shake at a London pub wrote down his name and number in my journal so we could “stay tuned.” I bolted when he went to use the loo. Just seeing it written down brought back the entire comedy of errors. PLUS you always feel bohemian and artsy sitting in a café with coffee writing in your journal. It’s the best date at a table for one. AND it’s not off-putting like talking on a cell. People still approach you when you’re writing in a journal.

TIPS:

Jogging: Go for a jog in the morning around an area you want to hang in.  Note bars that look cool, streets that look dangerous, shops that look useful, etc. It’s a quick way to get the lay of the land and it helps you break even on the calorie tip.

Accents: Being a foreigner makes you mysterious.  Don’t try to talk like them.  You love a hot guy with an accent, right?  You could be that hot guy….  Just think it over.

Company: Avoid other travelers like the plague.  You want to be the one outsider.  The one outsider gets all the attention.  In this case two is company.  You’re traveling alone for a reason.   Don’t forget that.

Shopping:  Keep it to a minimum.  Put your money into the travel, not the trinkets. Believe me.  If I can show restraint…so can you.

Okay kids. Now that you’ve got the basics don’t be afraid to hit the ground running. And if my rules seam financially exuberant, deceitful, unsafe, and self involved… that’s because they are. Enjoy!

BURRITO

P.S. If you have any fun loner travel stories of your own. Please share them in the comment section.