May 28 2010

If two is a party…

Hey Kids!

Recently I was out with one of my favorite home girls. I shall call her Pez. Pez is one of those people who could get along with a Priest or a Persian. I swear to God I can take her anywhere cause she’s got super street smarts, which I find wildly unfair considering she triple majored from a major university. This plus her taste for almost anything, except meat, makes her one of the best people to go out with when you wanna have a good time. 

And that is what we were doing on this particular night, having a good time.

For the record, I find the cocktail/dance floor combo an excellent way to party down…so Pez and I were getting busy getting down in this particular fashion when I was approached by an aggressive boogier.  I deferred to Pez for thoughts on said boogier and noticed she was being chatted up by a lovely lady with a swing hair cut.  Pez usually doesn’t go for women, but like I said…she can get along with almost anyone.  So, I didn’t judge and turned my attention back to the task at hand.

As a newly minted free agent, some serious attention on the dance floor can go a long way. So, when this decent looking guy started busting MJ moves my way to the sweet sway of PYT, my ego soured.  After the disco beat began to morph into some Black Eyed Peas tune, the two of us shifted to the sidelines for classic club convo.

“Hey,” he said

“Hi there. (beat) Nice moves.”

“Thanks.  You too”

“Thanks (Wink).”

“What’s your name?”




“Oh. It’s loud.”

“My name is Burrito.  What’s your name?”


“Nice to meet you (awkward sip of drink).”

“Hey, Burrito?”


“Can I get your number?”


Drumsticks pulled out his phone and just as I was about to shout my digits over “Imma Be,” Pez interrupted…


“One sec, Pez”

“No, NOW.  I need to tell you something.”

Pez looked serious, even if she was drinking Rum and Coke.

“One sec, Drumsticks.  I’ll be right back (sexy over the shoulder look as I walk away).”

“Do NOT give him your number.”

“Why not?  I need to venture out more.  Date new people.”

“Because his friend and that girl that’s been flirting with me just asked if I’d have a four-some with them tonight.”

The bottom dropped out of my excitement.

“A-WHAT?! Are you fucking with me right now?”

“I swear.  What should I do?”

And this is where it gets messed up because a wave of jealousy made the first thing I thought, “why didn’t they ask me to be in a foursome?!” rather than “I just dodged a bullet with THAT guy.”

After I got over my initial shock and awe, I pulled it together to advise Pez, who was apparently actually considering this.

“Well….do you want to?” I asked her with as straight of face as possible.

“I don’t know.  I gave them my number and told them to call me later.”

“Maybe tonight isn’t the best idea — not that any good orgy came with foresight.”

“It’s not an orgy, it’s a foursome”

“Let’s be clear about something…if 2 is a party and 3 is a crowd, then 4 is definitely an orgy.”

“Good point.”

Pez and I saw this as a apropos time to bounce, so we did.  And after a 24 hour hangover, we revisited the proposition with new questions.  I figured after the glow of the evening dulled, the foursome would be off the table.  Turns out the topic was just beginning to be explored.  Pez started convo by asking the pink elephant question:

“So logistically how would you go about having an orgy.  I mean there should be a book or something.”

What to expect when you’re expecting to have an orgy,” I suggested.


Since this book doesn’t exist, we thought we’d compile a list of concerns that, decidedly should be addressed before entering into an orgy.

#1 Safety First

The whole condom situation sounds complicated.  The sheer amount you’d go through in one romp is concerning, not to mention the hitch in flow switching them every time you entered a new orifice.   It would seem rational to just all get tested, but how would you go about that?  Make it a group event and all go to the clinic together?  Grab beers after and get to know one another?  OR present papers prior to the event, like passports or a doctors clearance before you set sail.

#2 Where?

Who hosts?  Is it better to have it in the comfort of your own home or at a strangers place where its easy to walk away if things get dicey?  What about hidden cameras?  Can you scan the place first?  Do you hide valuables in case there are humpers with sticky fingers?  Allergic to goose down?  Infinite questions, no?

#3 Stamina

If you’ve gone through the trouble to have an orgy, lets assume you’re gonna wanna spend some time exploring and enjoying.  It’s not really a wham bam situation, but how long is long enough?  Until everyone orgasms?  Until everyone has paired off?  Until someone has to go to work?  Falls asleep?  Comes down off of whatever they’re on, realizes they’re having an orgy, and bails?  Are there rounds?  If so, maybe there should be snacks. But who brings snacks?  Is anyone a vegetarian?

#4 Crossing Swords

This can get tricky.  In any multiple partner session it is usually safe to assume there will be some girl on girl, but guy on guy is very situation based.  Most males don’t mind sharing the lady steak, but get a bit squeamish with the man salad.  In fact, unlike the ladies, a casual brush with the same sex  can kill a party.  I’d assume guys, like when you’re driving, would keep one “car length”  between their “car” and the “car” in front of them.  But whose “car length?”  Try bringing THAT one up before hand without killing the mood.

#5 Post coital

So lets assume all the above went smoothly, you did the deed, and found an appropriate stop point. Now what?  Do you all engage in a group cuddle?  A group spoon?  A group how was it for you?  A group cigarette?  Do you stay for the night and go to breakfast in the morning or jet out the door with a dismissive “I’ll call y’all?”


Where do you go from here?  Therapy?  I assume after after one partner you maybe switch sexes, then try a three-some, then an orgy. But after that, what is the next frontier?

These are the questions Pez and I culled through careful Socratic discussion and hungover munchies.  I personally demolished an entire box of dry cereal while we explored stamina alone.  So now I turn the questions to you, little tacos.  I encourage an exploration of orgy etiquette and all I request is that you share your findings here.  Do it for Pez.  Do it for America.  Cause Europeans are just born with this skill set, like smoking and socialism…but I digress.


May 17 2010

Current Beef: Teeth Checkers

Hey Kids.

I swear to baby Jesus the simple question “Do I have anything in my teeth?” NEVER gets a straight answer.  I’m convinced we’re programmed as a race to respond to this question with instant self consciousness.  For some reason if you ask a friend “Does my hair look okay?” your friend will examine your hair and tell you.  But when it comes to teeth, this query is immediately met with a “Why? Do I have something in MY teeth?”

First of all, if you had something in YOUR teeth I wouldn’t be so convo-friggin-luded as to ask about mine.  I’d just say “Friend, you have something green in your sheen. Best be finding yourself a mirror and fix it.”

Second.  How selfish?  Your bud just mustered the courage to show you a mouth full of embarassment.  The least you could do is have his/her back.

So, next time someone asks you to oblige them with a teeth check, be an exception to the rule. Make like Nike and just do it.  Your friend will thank you.